Satan's a Jerk!

You know...I'm angry. Indignation. That's what I am feeling right now. "Anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean." Satan in mean!

If you've been reading for a while, you'll know that I've talked a lot about consequences or collateral damage. I've shared with you part of my story-some of the mistakes I have made. The bad choices and the hurt I have inflicted on others. Today I experienced some collateral damage.

I had a wonderful morning at church, which I wrote about earlier today. I had a great day overall, really. I got to hang out with a friend, shop and talk; while my mother-in-law watched the kids and Kris went mountain biking. All in all, it was a good day.

But in the midst of it, the enemy tried to pounce. Well, he didn't just try. He DID pounce. He hit me with a memory. These memories, while not at the forefront of my mind these days, are still there. There was nothing to provoke the memory. No scent in the air. No song playing on the radio. No piece of clothing or sight of something or someone to connect the memory with. The memory just appeared in my mind.

For the old Jamie, this was a good memory. This was a memory that the old Jamie would have savored and cherished. Even though I died to my old self and live in Christ now, the old Jamie still walks around somewhere, carrying a sack full of memories.

For the new Jamie, this memory is collateral damage. It is something that has to be taken captive and surrendered to Christ. It can be harmful to me, if I allow myself to indulge in the memory. And that is exactly what Satan wanted me to do. He slammed this memory into my mind abruptly and savagely. And my first instinct was to smile and think back to the time when that memory was made. To dwell on it and savor it, and remember.

Immediately, my survival instincts kicked in and I recognized that Satan was shooting arrows at me. My flesh was drawn to this one specific memory. A memory that I hadn't thought about in six months. A memory that I had actually forgotten, until it was right there in my face. My shield went up and I tried to deflect Satan's arrows. And yet, the memory lingered. The desire to revisit it was strong. I was at war today, in my mind.

Because Kris and I have this alliance, I knew that I needed to tell him and I knew that I had to tell him specifically what the memory was. And I knew that it would hurt him. There was never a part of me that didn't want to tell him. I knew I was going to tell him. I knew that I HAD to tell him, if I was to steal the enemy's power. So I emailed him. Partly because it was the best means at the time, and also because I didn't think that I could look into his eyes and tell him, knowing that I would see hurt and pain. It saddened me to tell him, because I don't want him to have to think back to the pain that the old Jamie caused him. But I told him anyway, and as I was driving home tonight (he was on his way home too with the kids), I felt so sorrowful.

And then it happened.

Again.

A song.

At just the right time.

In that moment, as soon as the song began, I burst into tears. I felt God's presence and knew that He was getting into my mind before Satan could. This is the song that played, and I kid you not, it was on until the moment I pulled into my driveway.

And it was just what I needed.

A soothing balm for my hurting soul.

I am constantly reminded of how good God is.

And, apparently, constantly crying.



Does this song speak to you?